Useful Goodness

 KINDNESS = USEFUL GOODNESS

This morning, I visited a church I hadn’t attended in more than 12 years—The pastor preached from Ephesians 4:31–32:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

But what is kindness, really?

Is it simply the absence of meanness?

Do we confuse kindness with politeness?

He described kindness as “USEFUL GOODness”—choosing to do what is GOOD and HELPFUL for others, whether we like them or not.

That definition is not one I have ever heard before.  

Are we actually living out useful goodness? Are we truly being kind in ways that matter?

My Self Reflect.....

Living in a rural small town—often described as “the middle of nowhere”—useful kindness isn’t optional; it’s essential to the health and success of our community. I’ve had to learn, sometimes the hard way, to set aside bitterness and hurt for the greater good. I may not have always called it “useful goodness,” but in practice, that has been the standard I’ve tried to live by.

Several years ago, I was asked to attend a meeting about our community gardens and how people could work together to support them. If you know me, you know how passionate I am about our free, pick-your-own fruits and vegetables. During that meeting, the conversation shifted to Easter egg hunts, and someone asked me, “When is the Mayor’s Easter Egg Hunt?” I shared the date and time, assuming they were trying to avoid a conflict.

Instead, a woman seated behind me made a motion to hold their hunt at the exact same time as ours. The motion was seconded, and the group voted in favor—without a pause, and without regard to the fact that I was sitting in the room.

In the days that followed, I struggled. I still advertised the other hunt, even though it conflicted with the one my husband and I had planned. It took everything in me to walk back into that meeting room, knowing the decision had been made so casually and so personally. As I distributed Easter event flyers, I caught myself wondering whether I should quietly bury their flyer or skip tagging their event online. It hurt—but was that really being usefully good?

Before I take action, send a message, or even post a comment, I run it through what I call my “checkmate system.” I ask myself three questions: Who does this help? How does it help? And why does it matter? If the benefit comes back only to me, then it’s probably not something I need to do.

That’s the hard work of useful kindness—choosing what is good for the whole, even when it costs you personally.

Happiness is a Choice - No Matter What.

You can be happy no matter what happens in your life if you don’t let others control your attitude.  This is a very deep statement.  How can we live like this?  How do we apply this theory to our life?  

Over the last few months, I have seen a lot of unhappy people lash out on social media, because of what they believe is going on, not what they researched, not what they have facts on, just what they believe is going on from comments and gossip.  

Recently over lunch a friend of mine said “you must have skin as thick as steel for all the things that get thrown at you.”  I pondered on that the rest of the day.  A Bible Study on the book Philippian that I recently completed came to mind. 

In Philippians 1:15-17, Paul shares with us four kinds of people that were impacting his ministry while he was imprisoned in Rome.   There were his friends and “co-workers” that supported and encouraged him in his work.   Others were busy criticizing, competing, or conspiring against his ministry.  

Paul wrote “It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.” Philippians 1:15-17

There is nothing that robs your happiness faster than being criticized while working hard or feeling like others are working against us.  Why?  We want approval and to be liked.  It is human nature.  

Paul goes on to say in  Philippians 1:18, “It does not matter! I am happy about it — just so Christ is preached in every way possible, whether from wrong or right motives. And I will continue to be happy.”

During the recent tornado, I made a post at the direction of another emergency management organization, regarding clothing donations.   The post was posted, I logged off, and went on about my business.  As I was sitting around a table with some new friends from Missouri Baptist Disaster Relief that were ministering to a woman who was at the brink of having a nervous breakdown, my phone rang, it was the EMD calling to chat with me about the post I made.   

They explained to me that people complained I was not easy to work with.  I was completely caught off guard, I had just finished hugging a sobbing woman, and building a plan to add more showers to a community without water and electricity.  I took the “whipping” and hung up the phone.  Still in shock.  As I stood there for a moment my phone began to ding.  Text message after text message with screenshots of horrible things being said about me.  I was a dictator, a glory whore, someone who controls everything.   It wasn’t me.  Not really.  I probably would have never made the post unless directed, but it was a post that needed to be made. Clothing can be a disaster within a disaster.  I can share more another day on that.  

This post has spiraled numerous times, grown wings and became another post, and brought on additional rumors and gossip about me.   While many of those posting are declaring “they love Jesus.”     

As my friend and I chatted about the critics in our community (hi critics), I thought about Paul’s message in Philippians 1:18, “It does not matter! I am happy about it — just so Christ is preached in every way possible, whether from wrong or right motives. And I will continue to be happy.”

I have adopted this motive for my community work over the past few months.   It does not matter what others do, just so the good in my community is shown everywhere as much as possible, and as loud as possible.   

Start fifty new Facebook pages with fifty new groups; maybe 50,000 new people will see something about our community and drive to our town and fall in love with it.   Talk about me on threads and tell people what you think - every time you do, someone new comes into my shop to figure out who I am, and guess what,  I get to show them the love of Jesus.   

Happiness is Choice

I am happy as I choose to be! If others are unhappy with me, that’s their choice. If I don’t have someone’s approval now, I am probably not going to get it. And I am going to be miserable if I try to live for the approval of everybody else or those that simply don’t like me.  

Paul explains in verses 29 and 30 of 1 Philippians why you can be happy no matter what: “For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him. We are in this struggle together. You have seen my struggle in the past, and you know that I am still in the midst of it” (NLT). 

Paul tells us it is a privilege to suffer when you’re doing the right thing because you’re most like Jesus nailing you to a cross and trying to get at you.

I can be happy no matter what happens if I look at every problem from God’s viewpoint and never let what other people say or do control my happiness. 

What will it cost? Actions of hate, bitterness, destruction?

 If you are serious about getting a focused life, you need to ask three questions: 1) What will it cost? 2) What am I willing to give? 3) Is it worth it?

 The greatest use of your life is to invest it in something that will outlast it. Jesus said, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36 NIV) Don't begin working toward your goals until you've counted the cost. 

This was my Bible Study this morning, but fit my life and the trials that I have been thrown. 

There is a lot of cost to the actions people take and words they say.   Your temporary emotion of anger, hate, bitterness, jealousy, envy, or lust can sink a ship that you believe is unsinkable. 

Written words do not go away.  We have screenshots these days!  

Currently there is a woman on social media that refers to me as “the mayor’s wife” as if I am nameless and unknown to her.

That woman is my eldest sister.  She is very angry with me because over the past few years I did not allow her opinions or beliefs dictate my life, my family, and sometimes my community.  I stood firm for what is right and good. 

After outburst of anger and her partnering with lies, I blocked her from seeing my Facebook.  The one time she did text me to tell me what to do in regards to caring for my Dad - I refused to answer her.  I didn’t need instructions and could talk directly to my Dad about his needs. My Dad is the expert at being my Dad and what he needs.  

My sister is blinded by anger.  She has wrote torrid tales about the “Mayor’s Wife” and how the “Mayor’s Wife” has done things.  Yet, she don’t really know what I have done or said other than the screenshots from people who feed her anger. 

While I mostly ignore her rants and dictation of what she believes is right; I feel sorry for her. 

This is not a new concept, read the book of Genesis and how many families and friends were torn apart and how far people would go out of anger. 

 Cain murdered his brother Abel over jealousy. (Genesis 4:1–18)

Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, they were jealous. (Genesis 37:18-36)

I am not concerned about being murdered or being sold into slavery; God’s will be done.  

My concern is what if I am the only match for a kidney transplant for her? And my family is left to make the decision?  

Would their hearts forgive her for the awful things she posted and screenshot and ranted?  Would they forgive her for the fact that we no longer have family dinners with my parents and it has become a great competition over who takes my Dad to the doctor - because one can’t let the other shine brighter?  Although I typically sit out on the competition, it’s just too exhausting.  

Would they forgive her for the turmoil in my community that she added to? 

While I have no doubts they have good hearts; I also know that to find current peace she is blocked by them on every outlet of social media and they refuse to read her text message.  So if the call comes it may never be received.  

This is sad for me.  

Even sadder is, my sister (and many others) are highly intelligent people that could do so much more good than bad, but instead they spent their last 3 days looking for bad, spreading bad, and being furious about what they thought happened - but really didn’t.  

They could have spent the last 3 days getting real answers (like I did and have the facts in my email) and bring truth and peace to our community.  

I don’t blame my sister, while she is the one did the act; there is a greater power working behind the scenes.  A power who wants destruction and no one to have peace.  That power is Satan.  

I pray my sister and others find focus and see the cost of their actions.  I pray that they see spreading hate, fueling fires, and living for destruction is not healthy or good - it will in the end destroy them.  

Not a Lumberjack

April 3, 2013, just after moving home (with my kids), my Dad had me

follow him across the farm to where a tree had been cut down.  

When we arrived he handed me sledgehammer and a wedge; then told me to “learn how strong you really are.”

After I split the log up he said “document this, so you never forget how strong you are and where you get that strength from.”

Every hard day, I try to remember that day and the lessons I learned: 

* Carry the biggest hammer you can swing. 

* Your arms will wear out, but your heart will keep you going.  

* My Dad is my Cheerleader no matter what.  

* I am not a lumberjack.

Caregiving through a Pandemic, Riots, and the End of Times.

I sat down today to edit photos and work on some stuff for our local chamber of commerce, but here came PaPa Tom and he wanted to eat pizza and talk about why we do not watch the news.  This is a daily conversation in our house, so much I have threatened to take the cords off the television and the batteries from the remotes - I know it is intense.

Several weeks ago when Covid19 first started being talked about repeatedly on the major news outlets we learned just how bad the news media can be.  It was the first day that school was cancelled for the pandemic and my daughter calls me and says "Mom, PaPa Tom is in the floor and can't get up."  I did some talking and coaxing over the phone - enough to learn he had chosen to get in the floor, but didn't have the strength to get up - either by choice or by exhaustion, that I may never know.  I left work drove home and found them sitting in the floor together talking, but he could not get up.  I helped him up, sent him to get dressed, and then we were off to the doctor to have "ailment" evaluated.

I knew what his "ailment" was, just the night before him and I had discussions regarding how urgently he needed to plan his funeral, because he was dying from Covid19.  When we arrived at the doctor they ushered him back to the room and I chatted with our doctor - small town blessing, we are on a first name relationship with our amazing medical professionals here - and we discussed that he had been watching way too much news and thought he was dying.  She acknowledged that could cause problems in ones health and headed to evaluate his condition.  Turns out he was healthy and needed to watch less of the mainstream media and news outlets.

We have "moved on" from the pandemic and moved to the riots (disclosure, I am not racist, I do not agree with what happened to Mr. Floyd, I also do not agree with the rioters) and now we have buildings being destroyed and threats being made.  This is all unsettling for anyone watching the news, but more for someone who has limited ability to defend themselves - it is heartbreaking!

About a week into the pandemic, I started adapting to how to be a caregiver through all this, I am not an expert (medical professional), but I am living and doing hands on during this time.  We made rules, new habits, and changed routines to help us keep our sanity.

1.   We do not watch the news.  We do not watch CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS.  We watch very little FOX news, while it is less bias and less outrageous, it is still raw images of what is going on - we can't handle that. 
2.   We do watch press conferences.  When we want to know something.  We like to hear things firsthand.  We limit how many press conferences we watch as it can still be a bit too much. 
3.   We listen to podcast.  We are big fans of Rick & Bubba  and  Phil Robertson.  We look for inspiring stories from trusted sources.  We do occasionally download past broadcast of Paul Harvey, because Paul is a timeless classic. 
4. We go to limited places.  We go to safe places - the local garden shop, the park, and we just returned to church two weeks ago.   PaPa Tom is not going to big box stores - we don't normally take him to those stores anyways, it is just not a place he likes to hang out. 
5. We warned people that normally talk to him on what not to talk about. It sounded drastic and controlling the first time I made a Facebook post telling people "you may not talk about President Trump, Governor Parson, or the Coronavirus."    I knew though people outside of my home did not see the impacts their conversations had on him.  
6. We stayed connected.   Facetime as much as I hate it, is a wonderful thing.  He regularly facetimes his other son, he does Zoom Bible Study, and he talked on the phone to his friends regularly. This is good for his heart.  

While I never changed my cleaning habits, what we ate, nor did I add any vitamins - what we did change was our mental focus.  We tried to focus on good things, happy thoughts, and knowing that no matter what happened today, Jesus had our tomorrow.     

(PaPa Tom is my husband's father, he came to live with our family just weeks after his wife passed away.) 

Parenting is Exhausting. End of Story.

Many years ago, okay not many, but at least fifteen years ago people would tell me with time it will get easier. She will sleep more, you will have a routine, and you will catch up on sleep.

Those people are liars! 

Fifteen years ago, I was young and I had energy, but then she was born and I never slept again.   I remember all the experienced moms telling me with time you will have a routine and you will catch up on that sleep you were missing. 

Last night I laid in bed and listened to all the chatter happening in the room below me.  I stared at my ceiling and recounted all those people that are LIARS.  Yesterday, I was up at 6 am for one of her "events" and my head finally found my pillow again around 11pm.  

Yes as infants you have to feed, water and change them all hours of the nights.  However, at teenage years you have to chase them, fund them, and they talk back at all hours of the night.  

So to you new moms out there, I will not lie to you.  You will never catch up on your sleep.  Ever!   The days will be long, the nights will be short, and if you ever think you will have money again - HAH!  Good Luck!  

****Disclosure "haters are gonna be haters, if you think that I am complaining about parenting, you are wrong and have landed on the wrong blog.  I am just being honest"  

Becoming a Minimalist in a Cluttered World

I crave clean spaces!  I enjoy the uncluttered areas of my home; give me a large empty room with no junk and I feel like I am on top of the world. 

The problem is my family is the opposite; I have diagnosed them as hoarders of junk.  If you walk into my daughter's room right now it looks like Walmart threw-up in there!  Junk Junk Junk!  Everywhere!  No doubt there is loads of unfolded laundry mounding in the corner.

Friday night I made the decision I was going to get rid of my living room furniture!  I was tired of cleaning around the massive, overstuffed, uneasy to clean, awkwardly shaped beast, known as my couch and chair.

When I would look at these pieces of furniture, I would envision the granola bar wrappers, the dirty socks, and the candy wrappers that had been stuffed down in the crevices of the couch.....this made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  Hiding clutter inside of clutter!

Moments after I posted on Facebook begging for someone to take this nuisance off my hands, I got the first text, let me see your new furniture.  Umm...I haven't bought any furniture yet!

Ya see I am on a mission to find the exactly perfect piece of furniture!   In my mind, I have this perfect idea.  The furniture will be clean, harsh, with straight lines.  It will be resistant to hiding dirty socks, empty wrappers, and TV remotes.  It will sturdy and bounce resistant. It will match everything I put in my living room at all times.

So since my list is strict and hard to find, to the great embarrassment of my kids, I have moved our patio furniture inside to act as my minimalist furniture until I find or create that perfect piece.

Their response to our makeshift furniture.  

Speak Truth, Life, and Love - the Clothes Dryer

This morning I was listening to the local radio station and they were discussing their "word of the year" - over the past year I have had this urge to speak, but have not been certain where it was coming from.  As I drove past the many open fields and the glorious sunrise - I knew it was God talking to me saying you need to SPEAK and speak about Truth, Life, and Love.

Oh boy here comes the Suzie Sunshine kind of post - well if you know me or have followed me for a minute, you know Suzie Sunshine RARELY comes out.  Truthfully, I have been HIDING my true personality for probably a greater portion of the past year - yup, I have lived fear "what will they think, whose feelings will I hurt"  Smhhhhh  forget that!  I really think that is what God has been telling me - you need to SPEAK from your true identity - you know the one that does not hold back and does not live in fear.

With that said, here is a story of Life and our Clothes Dryer. 

In the picture below you will notice that the front of our clothes dryer says in big bold letter "you must press START for clothes to get dry" for some this is common sense, but in our house it is a real struggle.   

Our clothes dyer only has to 2 settings, not actually, but these are the only settings that seem to work - is the dryer only runs nonstop with the SAME load of laundry in it over and over for like 8 to 10 hours straight or it sits with wet laundry in it for 8 to 10 hours or better without ever being started.

The nonstop with SAME load of laundry in it works like this - if the dryer is running the clothes are still wet, EVEN if we have started the same load of laundry over 10 times for the past 48 hours.  It happens folks, I am telling you it HAPPENS.

The wet laundry sitting for 8 hours or more - this is what we called distracted mode!  You see we put the laundry in the dryer our Snapchat goes off and our world STOPS we wonder off to our room and the dryer never gets started!  

These to clothes drying habits often results in what we call "Momma is gonna Snap mode" especially when it is her clothes sitting there wet for 48 hours plus!

We have not developed a remedy for these issues, nor am I accepting advice for solving the problem, as I know the problem will truly be solved when my kids are grown, my house is empty, and I will miss those soggy stinky clothes or that continuous sound of same load of laundry being dried over and over and over!

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7    

Holiday Greetings from Our House to Yours

Holiday Greetings from Our House to Yours

My mailbox is filling up quickly with Holiday Cards, but just like years in the past I am a fail at sending my cards out!  I think if you dig through my Christmas boxes you will find many unopened

boxes of Holiday Cards that had good intentions of being mailed, but failed!

So like years past, here goes our holiday greeting card via our blog!

Life in our house has only gotten busier.  Trey and I keep praying for it to slow down, but God keeps opening doors and we can't help but walk through them!

Lesse is almost done with "middle school" as she is entering her final semester of 8th grade!  She definitely is our multi-talented child with so much ambition!  This past year she played volleyball, softball, basketball, and made all-district band!  We are super proud of her academic, sports, and musical accomplishments!  Outside of school she has started a tiny little ministry where she is a pen pal with  little girls - this has been super fun to watch her write back and forth and share secrets and wisdom with little girls that look up to her!  We know that even at her young age Lesse is a leader and God has many plans for her adventurous heart.

D, our little man is finishing his last semester of "elementary" and will enter middle school next year! Momma's baby turned the big 10 this past month, yes Momma cried!  D remains our child that stumps us with his quick tongue, unique statements, and never ending curiosity!  D opened the door to music by joining Honor Choir this year at his school - we love his passion for music!  This past January D made the decision that he wanted to work for God, so he was baptized into the family of God. D has such a servants heart and this year has made huge commitments and sacrifices to be able to give back to his friends and neighbors - including buying his whole class ice cream, just because he cares about them!  It is so fun watching D and his giving heart - we know God will use his passion and empathy to do good things!

Trey's life has only gotten crazier as Lesse and D add in extra activities, his truck has become the taxi cab of neighborhood. This year Trey reconnected with an old youth group friend and we as a family had the opportunity to serve in inner city St Louis with Love the Lou - it was great to not only see old friends, but meet new friends and open doors to what we hope to be life long friendships. We are thankful Trey's job has been busy over the past year, God has blessed us well.

As for me, well I am still in college.  I keep thinking it is just a few more classes and it is, but seems to take forever! Last year (2016) I transferred departments and am able to remain working in the field of my degree, but with a less crazy schedule!  So very thankful for a steady normal schedule and good benefits in my employment.  I have also been blessed with being able to serve my community as our local Chamber of Commerce President - such a treat to be able to return my love to the community that loved me and helped mold me as a child.

As for 2018, we do not know where 2018 shall lead us!  Trey is considering a run for leadership in our community - we know if it is God's will he will open that door.

If I remain on schedule with my college classes (my advisor gets annoyed as I change it a lot) I should graduate December 2018 - I have had to reduce my class load to be able to parent, work, and serve my community!

We assume our kids will grow another foot or so next year to pass us up and be taller than us, but that  will also be left up to God!

We pray you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!

Love,

Trey, Becky, Lesse, & D

Cultivating Change in The Inner City of St Louis, Missouri with Love the Lou

Change comes with time, effort, love, and dedication.  Outside of our comfort zone, but within our own state there are people that are struggling, there is communities that are in distress, and there is families searching for change! 

Recently our family and a few of our friends had the opportunity to serve with Love the Lou in Saint Louis, Missouri.   Never had I had the opportunity to take my kids on a mission trip - and I wanted to be able to share with them the experience of serving and showing God’s love to others.

Love the Lou is a movement of restoration for the City of St Louis, Missouri – the mission works to restore, rebuild, and cultivate change within the inner city.  North City also known as the inner city of St. Louis is well known for gang violence, crime, street shootings - making life difficult for the families and children growing up and living within the community.

On our brief trip to serve with Love the Lou we spent time working in their Enright Community Gardens, learning about the Enright Avenue community, and visiting with the youth involved in their STL Lift program. 

The Enright Community Gardens are a unique project developed by Love the Lou – currently there are three gardens, each serving a different purpose for the community.

Garden One is filled with raised garden beds; families choose their garden, plant and maintain the garden throughout the growing season, and feed their family from the garden. 

Garden Two is more of a flower garden with a unique environment giving families a safe spot to enjoy an afternoon picnic, host a birthday party, or even come together for worship.  The garden includes picnic tables, a gazebo, a small library, and room for kids to play.

Garden Three is known as the Urban Farm – by far this was my kid’s favorite garden – the garden currently has a few raised beds and a chicken coop that houses five “city chickens”.  Families take turns caring and tending to the chickens; giving the caregiver family farm fresh eggs in return.

While we spent much of our day working in these unique gardens – we also spent most of our day serving beside the youth from the STL Lift program.  I must admit that the gardens were fun, but my husband and I’s hearts went to the young men and women in this program – they make a commitment to not become part of the inner city’s problem and instead work towards changing their own life as well as their community.  These are kids are close to the age of our own children, but have faced more challenges than we have as adults.  We knew we were there to serve them, but left knowing they impacted us more than we would ever impact them.

The Love the Lou mission began in 2009 by Lucas Rouggly with hope to find simple and practical ways to serve the city, from that hope sprung an organization that serves multitude of families and children in an area struggling to find hope.  

4 Ways You Can Love the Lou

• Pray for the community and those serving in the community.  
• Sponsor a STL | LIFT students with a monthly gift and prayer support for your student.  
• A one time or a monthly gift to the organization. 
• Subscribe to their newsletter to stay up to date with serve opportunities.   
• 
  

(Disclosure:  This article originally appeared in The Banner Press - please support our local paper by purchasing a copy or a months subscription.) 

One Year Down on the Road to Eternity.

It was suppose to be the hardest year of our lives, they said that we would struggle, they said the adjustment period would take a toll on us. 

It has been one year to the day since Trey and I began our life together as a family.  It has been a ride

Photo Credit Elizabeth Rae Photography

of a year; in the middle of adjusting to all of us living under one roof, I started a new job and we bought a new house - but that didn't seem to stop us.

I remember sitting among a group of newlyweds and listening to the chat about how hard the first year of marriage was - I almost felt guilty for not feeling like we were struggling and later I even questioned if there was something wrong with our relationship - we were not fighting constantly.  

One day I was chatting with my friend and discussing the fact that I couldn't understand why Trey and I were not the typical "newlyweds" - or how they describe the first year of marriage.  She laughed at me and said "Becky you are not typical, your marriage was not considered normal to today's society, and your marriage was built around God - not lust"  - quite a compliment, but.......

Sometimes I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop and one of us spend a few nights on the couch angry - but then I remind myself that marriage is not designed for battle, it is designed for companionship, friendship, and a helpmate. We do not need to fight to be married - we need to love.  

We owe this first year and the next hundred or so to God and like our wedding day, I am excited to see where year two takes us.  

I told you about my little nothing town

The house where I came from

I told you sometimes I lose my faith

I wondered why someone like you would even talk to me

I told you there's no fixing me

Cause everybody's already tried

Why did you stay? You could have left.  

I could have waited, it would have all came out eventually

I told you all the stupid things I've done

I could have blamed it on being young, But I was old enough to know, I know

 I told you the mess that I can be

When there's no one there to see 

You said you would look the other way, cause you love me anyway. 

 I told you I planned on staying here, My dreams are here

And I knew your family is gonna want you to stay there.

You know what? I don't blame them

So I said what I didn't want to

And just prayed you wouldn't leave 

 You loved me anyway, you love me anyway

So before we go another year - I just want to say, I love you more than ever before! 

(lyrics modified from Darius Rucker, If I told you)

Watching My Husband Become a Dad.....

A man becomes a dad when.....?

My husband did not watch Lesse or D be born, in fact at the time of their birth I would have never dreamed or thought that I would meet my husband.  Trey did not come into their lives until they much past the dirty diapers, spit ups, and sleepless nights - okay maybe not sleepless nights we do have a teenager!

Over the past year +, I have had the great pleasure of watching my husband go from just being Trey to being a Dad.  From the outside looking in - it looked like an immediate transformation, but from the inside looking out - it was a slow beautiful process (unlike childbirth).

On our very first "family date" you know where Trey got to experience dating a mom with 2 crazy kids and going out to dinner with us - my well spoken, very protective, and sometimes jealous son pipes up and says "Trey, my mom farts like an elephant" - speechless and a little amused Trey responded "well alright then"  - we both knew this was an attempt to scare Trey off.

When the scare tactic didn't work - the Man of the House tactic moved in.  D was sure to tell Trey that "I love my mom more than you ever will" - true stuff, I am D's number one lady, but I am Trey's also in a different way.

As our engagement progressed, we had to make the big decision of who was going to give me away at our wedding.  D piped up again and said "You can marry my Mom, but I am not giving her away" - okay, Mom stayed in the family and D walked me down the isle.  

Blending our family came with lots of fears, worry, anxiety, and maybe some anger! 

Then on our wedding day (nearly a year ago) this happened:

and this: 

Our Family Blended! 

However, the work had only begin.  

Trey was a new dad - only the kids were not babies!  He was more like a kindergartner in high-school, trying to speed learn algebra - and the algebra always changing!  

First there was softball, he fretted she may dehydrate, packed extra water, ran back forth between games, and got extremely mad when the ump made a bad call. 

Then there was school shopping, they had to have all the cool stuff, you know they couldn't start school (for the 4th & 8th time) with just average colored folders - their shoes had to be good shoes, comfortable shoes, and the shorts - they must not be too short!   

Later came basketball, an after school babysitter, and oh no D needs extra reading help.  In the middle of this, we decided to move - so we faced nightmares, new bus route, and Mom forgot to pay the school lunch bill!  Parenting is Tough and ever changing!  

In the middle of this, Trey slowly formed bonds...

It started gradually with prayer time and Bible study with D before bed.  This seemed like no big deal, but later I realized, without those few minutes of the day - D does not sleep well.  They would read a little verse, talk a little about God, and I often would hear some giggles coming from the room. 

Later became "car talk" with Lesse - while Trey was shuffling between basketball, volleyball, or softball they would talk - about Boys, God, Girl Drama, Mom, D, and Chores - only later did I discover that she preferred to tell him stuff first, so he could gently break the news to me - smart girl maybe. 

 "first time father look"  

This past year, I have seen that "first time father look" on my husbands face - more than once actually!  

There was the first time Lesse made a goal at her basketball game - he nearly jumped out of the stands cheering for her!  

The first time D helped him mow the yard with him - both beaming with excitement as they turned donuts in the yard!  

The day that Lesse was baptized, followed shortly later by D - those days may have been better than the day they were born - and there was pride, joy, hope, and love glowing in his face. 

Then there was the bad first; the first heartbreaks, disappointments, the time the dog got loose and D was worried she had left forever - when she was only down the street, the first time Lesse got scared by a storm and woke him up 3 times in one night - on a work night!  

Step Dads are Dads 

Last week we were driving home from church and both kids were riding with me - my car was filled with chatter - and Lesse said "mom can you believe that my friend didn't know Trey was not my real dad"....... I was speechless............She went on to say "yeah, I told her that I have 2 dads, I love them both"  there was silence in the car as I wiped a tear.  

Later that day while D was playing with his friend and they were making big plans, I reminded D that he would be at his Dad's the next week - D's friend said "I thought Trey was D's dad"  I started to explain and D interrupted with "I have 2 dads and its pretty cool" then they ran off to play.  

Blending takes Time

As I look back over the past year, I can compare it to the year my daughter was born, only I am a few years older.  Blended families are a lot like natural families - it takes time, work, messed up schedules, lots of grace, an endless pot of coffee, and many hours of prayer.  

The new parent to the relationship is much like a new mom or dad - a new baby does not come with a handbook, nor does a half grown child.  You have your sleepless nights, the days you want to cry, the days that you are sure you are failing, followed by that big hug and an I love you!  

Wearing the Conviction Not Being Able to Have a Baby

This is my personal story, so if you think that I am going to offend you, please click off my post and move along.  

Eight years ago, the decision was made that I would never be able to have a baby again - actually the words the doctor spoke was "if you get pregnant it would be a threat to your life...."

Eight years ago, that was no big deal - I was on a different path and never dreamed that path would make a U-turn, followed by are hard right, and a short left.

Photo by:  Elizabeth Rae Photography 

In the past two years, the talk of having a baby has come up about 40 bazillion million times - everyone knows I am still young enough to be a Mommy, they know Trey does not have any biological children, and now we are newlyweds. 

At first I, would avoid the question, then I would dodge it with answers like "there is so many babies without homes, maybe we will adopt"...knowing I barely have time to finish my college homework let alone attend foster parent classes, and then I would say "oh I don't really like children" and casually glance down at my two beautiful kids that I adore.

No matter how many times I would feed this line, someone would ask again, I almost became immune to it until a few people started making it about the Bible.   I was sitting quietly reading as I overheard two women whisper how it was "Biblical" for a woman to give her husband a child.  My heart sank, I want nothing more than to give my husband a child, but I cannot. 

Later that week someone quoted  these scriptures to me:

"For Adam was formed first, then Eve.  And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing"

I sat there completely crushed, mortified, embarrassed, and confused - my world was rocked - everything that I had learned, believed in, and lived for was shattered - all because I could not give my husband a baby.

The following night I sat on the edge of my bed as my husband acted silly trying to get my attention - he eventually gave up and asked "what gives, why the sad face"

I attempted to dodge the question - I am really good at dodging questions - and then I asked "Do you continue to invest in something that you do not believe in anymore" - he had that priceless stunned look and said "um...what are we giving up"  I replied "Oh nothing, just having a hard time paying our tithes today" - except it was Tuesday and I don't pay our tithes on Tuesday - he didn't buy it, so I resorted to suddenly having to use the restroom - fail again.  

But I Just Want to "Dab" and I do not know why!

Today on Facebook, I shared a pretty controversial topic - Dabbing!  You know that cute little dance we have seen ages 8 months to 90 years old doing?  It is hip, it is cool, I mean Carolina Panthers star quarterback Cam Newton unveiled it - so it has to be "cool".....RIGHT?

So my husband and I are the strict parents - the ones that months ago said I really do not think "dabbing" is a good idea.  Trey is obsessed with listening to talk shows - and had heard mention that dabbing was a drug reference.  Sigh!  It is just a dance!  Or so our 13 year old has spent at least 6 months trying to convince us.

Okay maybe it is just a dance, but the word "dabbing" in the Urban Dictionary (urban - because that is where all the hip words are) is defined as:

"To press a piece of cannabis extract known as Butane Hash Oil against a heated surface of an oil rig pipe and inhale the smoke. These extracts have up to 90% THC levels. It is the newest growing trend for cannabis connoisseurs and Colorado currently has the largest following to date.

Hey man, I got some dabs. Can I borrow your torch? 

He's dabbing some BHO."   by SlabsofDabs 

You Google the word "dabbing" and click on images - you will see first a few photos of people dancing - then you will see nothing better than some good ol' fashion drug paraphernalia .  

There has been some response to my post - "it is just a dance" "we want to look cool" my own teen daughter stomped her feet and said "but mom my friends are doing it" - okay whatever.  

I am a tad passionate about this - NOT necessarily "dabbing"  - I am sure the Macarena had a hidden message as well, but I am MORE passionate about.....People knowing the signs they are throwing!  

For a good portion of my adult life, I have been around, worked with, or avoided people that would straight up hurt you for throwing the wrong sign or dropping the wrong phrase.  In this world, you have to know what you are saying - not just what is "cool" at the moment.  

A few weeks ago a young man that I see regularly walked by with his pants sagging a bit (showing his undies) - I first laughed, I second started to yell "pull up your pants" and then I remember he probably does not know where "sagging pants" originated....again from the Urban Dictionary, but true - "sagging" means: 

"wearing ones pants around the hips so that they sag down and bunch up around the ankles. Originally, this was a prison thing that signified that you were another prisoner's property.  Punks were forced to wear their pants this way so it would be easier for their masters to pull their pants down and rape them. Somehow this became a 1990's fashion trend. I learned this from watching a TV special on prison life. The inmate who related the story was an elderly black gentleman who had been sentenced to life in prison and had been there for over fifty years. He marveled how such a mark of shame became a fashion statement.  by Spanky McSpunk 

Again "sagging" is another fad, fashion, or oh so cool  - or it could mean you are someones property. 

In case you are wondering - you will learn this term and meaning in Criminal Justice 101 - where you can also learn a lot about where many modern day trends begin.  

So parents, from one parent to another parent  - I am not begging you to make the "dabbing" stop. That would be impossible - and it will fade away much like Disco did, but I am asking to become aware of what your kids are learning and where they are learning.   

That new hand gesture they are throwing - ask them where they learned it, that new phrase they just quoted - Google it and find out what the "hip term" means......In this world, in this age - it could save your child's life.