It is no secret that this past few years has been nothing but a train wreck straight from hell. I often think to myself that I will one day wake up and this will have all been a dream and I will step back and will have my happy little family back again. Then I slap myself to reality and remember that I must remember the good days to get through the bad days.
I have not wrote much about my divorce for several months, because every time I would say something I lived in fear that it could be considered slander, or every time I posted something people would say I was whining, bashing, or just being a baby.
Today, I have decided to speak up and speak loudly. I am NOT whining, bashing, or being a baby the ending of my marriage was nearly devastating. I loved my husband with all my heart, I think many of my readers can recall how I spoke about him, posted photos of him and the kids, and I was always anxious for him to come home at the end of the week. He was the one person I thought would always have my back, and then I realized that Satan could and had pulled him away. There were times over the past year I would see glimpse of hope or the “old” him, and then they were always followed by the “other” him.
Every day I want to scream THIS IS NOT FAIR, because dammit it is not fair! This is not how I had planned my life to be, this is not how I had wanted my life to be when I married him, and this is not what I wanted for my kids. It is not fair that I have to tell my kids daily that I don’t know why this happened, I don’t know why this is the way it is, and no things will never go back to the way things use to be.
Daily I hear about another family going through the same battles I have been fighting or have fought over the past few years and my heart just breaks! I question the value of marriage, what people think when they say “I do” and I question are people this disposable that we can throw one spouse away and quickly replace them with new someone. To me marriage is an oath not only to your partner, but also to God that you will love, honor, protect, cherish, and walk on hell’s fire for that other person.
Last week, I was questioned if I was truly over “him” and I rather giggled…..truth is I will never be over him and until you have walked in my shoes you will never understand how I feel. He is the father of my children and I will always love and pray for him. Every morning I begin my day with prayer and I pray for his protection, for God to guide him through the day, and him to find peace in his heart. I have been judged, marked, and spoken about, because I do not give up on him and I do not hate him. I have been bitter in the past, have said things that are hateful, but as I have learned I needed time to grieve! I have also learned that people feed on drama, hate, and bitterness; they will keep the drama flowing as long as they can....I do not desire that! I live for peace, love, and happiness!
The pain I feel now is not the same pain I have always felt, it is the pain of knowing what is going on, but not being able to do anything about it. Every 2 weeks I send my children to visit "him" and when they come home, I hear things that I wish I never had to hear, and I am sure many single parents can relate to this same feeling. This is not how I had hoped my children’s life would be, this is not how I intended for my kids to grow up. I wanted them to have both parents living in the same house, see both parents loving them together and apart, and understand how God intended marriage to be. However, this is what I was dealt and this is what the game of life I will play.
I feel strongly that God is telling me that this battle is not over, that I need to continue to pray a hedge around my family, and oddly, I need to continue to pray a hedge around “him”. I believe in my heart that while we may not see eye to eye on much of anything that he is and can be a good person, and may someday do great things in this world. I also believe that people are not disposable and everyone that has entered my life has entered for a purpose. His purpose was obviously the gift of my two amazing children!
As I continue this journey as a “single” parent, I ask of you as my readers, my friends, and my family to continue to pray for our children, “him”, our future, and me. I know things will never go back to the way they use to be, but I know that we can and will have a bright future!