Saturday, October 18, 2014

How I taught my daughter about the Birds and the Bees...

The inevitable day has come that boys are no longer gross and they are interesting.   Sigh!  I really thought I had taught her better than this, but it appears peer pressure has convinced her otherwise.  

Today on the ride home from town I had the grown up serious discussion with my 11 year old daughter - I just laid it all out for her - so that she really understood the consequences of liking boys.

Here is what you have to be prepared for when you like boys.

1.  If I see you acting inappropriately with a boy, I will stand up and yell out "Stop touching each other" and will continue to yell until everyone has heard me, realizes I am your mother, and knows that you should not behave that way.  I assure you this will be the most embarrassing moment in your life and will haunt you for the rest of your life or until you are 26ish - so do not risk it.

2. Between now and the age of 26 you will fall in and out of love more times than you change your
underwear - so do not use the words "I love you" until you can purchase your own underwear with money you have earned from a real job.

3.  Boys should not see, touch, or discuss with you body parts that they cannot visibly see while you are fully dressed - fully dressed means:  shirts, pants, socks, shoes, and something covering you butt - they should not discuss your butt either.  You should not discuss a boy's body parts that is covered when he is fully dressed either - this means no pictures, no sexting, no mentioning - basically do NOT think about it.

4.  Boys really do have germs - germs besides cooties, they can have germs that can cause body parts to either fall off or look like something growing a science project - so don't risk becoming some doctors science project.

5.  Sex causes you to have babies - babies are from 2 people having sex - also known as "hooking up" "sleeping together" "messing around" - or any other slang term that means 2 (or more) people laying together naked.  Oh and having that baby is very very very painful - so painful that you will never ever forget it.

6.  If you have sex, I will know - there are exams doctors can do to tell parents that you are sexually active - so you can hide NOTHING from your parents.

7.  If you decide at sometime in your life to have sex and you become pregnant - your baby will be meaner than I am.  It will make you vomit, feel awful, and dictate your life for 9 months.  Then it will cause you hours of hard physical labor to come out of your body, followed by 18 years of someone screaming, yelling, stomping, dictating, and ruling your life - it will not be fun....especially if you are a still a child yourself - just don't risk it.

8.  I am not raising your children - I promise you I am NOT raising your children.  My parents are not raising you and I will not raise your kids.  So be sure you can care for something BEFORE you commit to having one - by the way the commitment happens when you have sex - from there it is all down hill.

9.  Boys will use flowery seductive words to get you to do what they want - I have heard every line in the book, I promise you that.  They can use flowery words, threaten you, and say unthinkable things to convince you that sex is okay - be the bigger person and tell them NO - if they are still persistent, let me talk to them.

10.  Saying NO is not uncool - they may tell all their friends that you said no, chances are they won't because they will feel like more of a failure than you, but either way - you are making the right and cool decision.  Think of your long term goals; college, fast cars, moving away - then think about how cool that car will look with that screaming 2 year old in the back seat, think about easy to move away if you are a walking science project due to those germs you caught - 5 minutes of pleasure is not worth the rest of your life.

I know this seems a tad rough, especially considering she is only 11.  However, children are not children these days - we cannot "protect" our kids from the outside influences as we once did.

Adolescents are becoming sexually active at a younger age and while I hate the idea of discussing it and know that it humiliates my kids for me to be so blunt about it - there is no other way to be.

Here are few "shocking" statistics for you to mull over before you bash me on Facebook for talking about sex and educating my child.

Now I know that my tactic to education, scare, and warn my child is not 100% foolproof, but I pray it at least makes her think before she acts.  

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