Thursday, March 2, 2017

Wearing the Conviction Not Being Able to Have a Baby

This is my personal story, so if you think that I am going to offend you, please click off my post and move along.  

Eight years ago, the decision was made that I would never be able to have a baby again - actually the words the doctor spoke was "if you get pregnant it would be a threat to your life...."

Eight years ago, that was no big deal - I was on a different path and never dreamed that path would make a U-turn, followed by are hard right, and a short left.

Photo by:  Elizabeth Rae Photography 
In the past two years, the talk of having a baby has come up about 40 bazillion million times - everyone knows I am still young enough to be a Mommy, they know Trey does not have any biological children, and now we are newlyweds. 

At first I, would avoid the question, then I would dodge it with answers like "there is so many babies without homes, maybe we will adopt"...knowing I barely have time to finish my college homework let alone attend foster parent classes, and then I would say "oh I don't really like children" and casually glance down at my two beautiful kids that I adore.

No matter how many times I would feed this line, someone would ask again, I almost became immune to it until a few people started making it about the Bible.   I was sitting quietly reading as I overheard two women whisper how it was "Biblical" for a woman to give her husband a child.  My heart sank, I want nothing more than to give my husband a child, but I cannot. 

Later that week someone quoted  these scriptures to me:

"For Adam was formed first, then Eve.  And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing"

I sat there completely crushed, mortified, embarrassed, and confused - my world was rocked - everything that I had learned, believed in, and lived for was shattered - all because I could not give my husband a baby.

The following night I sat on the edge of my bed as my husband acted silly trying to get my attention - he eventually gave up and asked "what gives, why the sad face"

I attempted to dodge the question - I am really good at dodging questions - and then I asked "Do you continue to invest in something that you do not believe in anymore" - he had that priceless stunned look and said "um...what are we giving up"  I replied "Oh nothing, just having a hard time paying our tithes today" - except it was Tuesday and I don't pay our tithes on Tuesday - he didn't buy it, so I resorted to suddenly having to use the restroom - fail again.  

After barging in on me he said "what is the matter" I sat in near tears thinking about the fact that I cannot have a baby, I was a sinner, I was not good enough, and you know all those things that make you imperfect for God and my husband.

I blurted out "I am not a Christian because I can't give you a baby" he sort of laughed, rewind back to this past summer myhusband was the one to baptize me, he grabbed my hand and said "you are a Christian, not being able to have a baby has nothing to do with it, your heart is in the right place"  he breathed heavy and "asked now where did you get this wild idea?"

Between tears, exhaustion, anger, and some random blowing of my nose I retold all the things people had been saying to me - he laughed and assured me that NONE of that was Biblical and people sometimes misquote things - often by mistake. 

Unfortunately, that person that quoted scripture they never told me where they pulled those scriptures from, so I could not deny or confirm, I could only trust that my husband knew what he was talking about. 

Days, Weeks, and Months have passed -  I let the subject go, but never completely got over the giant scar in my heart.   Today, I sat at my desk at work, put my earbuds in, and decided that I would listen to 1 Timothy play through my earbuds – as I subconsciously listened to the scriptures and worked on cases I heard these words:  

“Therefore, I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing.  I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.  A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.  And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.”  

My hands hit the keyboard so hard my co-worker walking by stopped and turned around – I sat there and then replayed the scriptures 4 maybe 5 times, I stood up, I sat down, I stood up again, and then slowly wiped the tear from my face.  This gaping scar was suddenly healed by these words “if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety” - you see that IF is huge, it means a woman must live by FAITH not through having a baby!  This was pretty much a V8 hit on the forehead moment!  


I will NOT spend the next 18 months of my life tracking down all those people that nagged me about “giving Trey a baby” – that would be impossible!  I will NOT track down that person who ½ quoted that scripture to me, BUT I did learn a POWERFUL lesson today. 


In Matthew 7:15, God warns us this:

 “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” 

I do not believe that person who quoted ½ the verse to me is a false prophet, but I do believe that was Satan at work – he twisted the words I cherish, knew that I was not armed well enough of the word to rebut it, and found the weak spot to turn his wolf loose on me.  

Satan danced on that gaping scar in my heart and enjoyed it - today that scar was healed and he was ran off once again!  :-) 

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