In short words - I HAVE MESSED UP - A LOT.
One thing I have greatly struggled with over the past few years is forgiving myself for my failures - it is easy for me to forgive those that have hurt me - but forgiving myself just did not seem possible.
I pictured myself as a 21 year old new mom, sitting in my daughter's closet floor with my new daughter in my arms, bawling my eyes out - things were just not right and I knew it, but I could not make them right.
My daughter's bedroom closet use to be my tiny sanctuary - the place that I felt safe and the place that I could hide all that was wrong in my life. Once I stepped out of that closet I would will myself to paint a smile on my face and show the world everything was alright - even though it was not.
Years later I still blame myself for those long nights of sitting in that closet. I still beat myself up for ever being in situations that were not ideal or the way God wanted it. This has truly been my greatest struggle - Becky Blames Becky.
For years I have searched for peace, for some kind of relief from this torture that I give myself - I needed a sign or aha moment to help me get past this. Then.......
I read this:
"he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit" Titus 3:5
WOW - that took on a new meaning to everything - he saved us not because we were perfect, but because we were not. He has WASHED our sins away!
I had asked God for forgiveness - actually I ask God daily for forgiveness (yes I mess up that often), so why could I not see that he washed them away?
Then I read this:
Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life. Titus 3:7
Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence - note confidence!
I sat in awe for a moment: I finally understood that while I have sinned, while my life has been a train wreck, while I still continue to recover from mess ups - God has this.
Because I have asked - God has forgiven me, he has washed my sins away, and I am new again.
While here on Earth I may still have to come face to face with repercussions of my failures - in eternal life they have been washed clean.
While here on Earth people (haters and bullies) may remind me of what fell short in my life - in eternal life they are forgotten.
These sins of the past should not hold me back from anything - these sins should not dictate my life - these sins should not be battle scars that I wear while holding my head low.
I am a child of God, for he lives in my heart - it is time that I let his light shine through me!
This alone is enough to make me smile!