Thursday, August 27, 2015

Understanding the Past is the Past - Through Jesus Christ.

So I have fallen short of the Glory of God - okay not really fallen short; I have face planted myself on the floor, done something similar to the watermelon crawl, and possibly wallered around a tad while I was down there.

In short words - I HAVE MESSED UP - A LOT.   

One thing I have greatly struggled with over the past few years is forgiving myself for my failures - it is easy for me to forgive those that have hurt me - but forgiving myself just did not seem possible.

This last month I had a flashback nightmare -

I pictured myself as a 21 year old new mom, sitting in my daughter's closet floor with my new daughter in my arms, bawling my eyes out - things were just not right and I knew it, but I could not make them right.

My daughter's bedroom closet use to be my tiny sanctuary - the place that I felt safe and the place that I could hide all that was wrong in my life.  Once I stepped out of that closet I would will myself to paint a smile on my face and show the world everything was alright - even though it was not.

Years later I still blame myself for those long nights of sitting in that closet.  I still beat myself up for ever being in situations that were not ideal or the way God wanted it.  This has truly been my greatest struggle - Becky Blames Becky.

For years I have searched for peace, for some kind of relief from this torture that I give myself - I needed a sign or aha moment to help me get past this.  Then.......

I read this:

"he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.  He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit"   Titus 3:5

WOW - that took on a new meaning to everything - he saved us not because we were perfect, but because we were not.  He has WASHED our sins away!  

I had asked God for forgiveness - actually I ask God daily for forgiveness (yes I mess up that often), so why could I not see that he washed them away? 

Then I read this:  

Because of his grace he declared us righteous and  gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.  Titus 3:7  

Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence - note confidence! 

I sat in awe for a moment: I finally understood that while I have sinned, while my life has been a train wreck, while I still continue to recover from mess ups - God has this. 

Because I have asked - God has forgiven me, he has washed my sins away, and I am new again.  

While here on Earth I may still have to come face to face with repercussions of my failures - in eternal life they have been washed clean. 

While here on Earth people (haters and bullies) may remind me of what fell short in my life - in eternal life they are forgotten. 

These sins of the past should not hold me back from anything - these sins should not dictate my life - these sins should not be battle scars that I wear while holding my head low.  

I am a child of God, for he lives in my heart - it is time that I let his light shine through me! 

This alone is enough to make me smile!  

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