Sometimes you just can't hold back - and you just let it go!
Here is my confession about getting older.
A little over two years ago my world got turned upside down, I am not suppose to say why, because they say that is slander. I am suppose to deal with it in silence, pick up and move on - so I did.
A little over a year ago my world caught a bright star - sent me in whimsical turn - again I am not suppose to talk about as it is a been there done that, you are gonna fail again thing.
Deep down inside sometimes there is an empty feeling - some say it is because I am living in sin, others say it is because I am greedy, and then there is possibility of it being hereditary - I could really be crazy.
NO ONE ever says it is because I deal with things all alone.
Last week, I put my big girl panties on - they are big girl panties, because between my world getting turned upside down and me suppose to ignore it and my whimsical future still leaving me kind of empty - I have gained 20 pounds- and I headed to my doctor.
After breaking down in tears in front of my wonderful, yet broken English speaking doctor, he said to me
"Did you ever stop in think that you are not superwoman - and you have been thrown a rough couple of years?"
I sat in awe - what does he mean? I am allowed to admit I can't handle my own problems???? That is allowed??? I am not suppose to cover them up, tell people a modified story??? I am allowed to confess that getting divorced, losing my GaGa, then moving only to move again, and my daughter fighting an ongoing illness has really wore me out????
Officially my doctor is a my Knight in Shining Armor
As a tear rolled down my cheek, I confessed to my doctor that I cry - I cry for the past, I cry for the future, and I cry because I cry. You know these days women are not suppose to cry - they are suppose to just deal with it.
While this poor man was really there just to give me a pap smear and tell me that I didn't need mammogram until I was 40 - His one question (How are you feeling) was the question he may never want to ask me again.
After assuring me that I am not crazy (it does run in my family), confirming that I am a good mom and that I would not have my kids taken away for crying in the gynecologist's office, he made the decision that we needed to have some blood work done - my hormones, iron, thyroid, and basically everything needed to be checked!
One stick of the needle and I felt better already.
No not really, just having my blood drawn did nothing, however, the fact that someone finally understood and took the time to ask DID.
I am a firm believer that life is beautiful, and it is. My kids are beautiful, occasionally people tell me I am beautiful, and the world around us is beautiful. However, life also catches up with us - even if we are doing the right thing!
I know this is probably been said before, but if you are feeling "sad" it is okay - it is okay to tell someone, I suggest someone outside of your circle ( my gynecologist is pretty good at understanding). The only way you are going to truly heal is first get the facts out there and work through them one step at a time.
For those that are wondering - I have not received my blood work results yet, but the mental health hospital has not come to pick me up yet either - so all is good!
So true. Just your writing this is cleansing. You are beautiful and you are a good mom but not perfect. That is for the next life. :)ReplyDelete