Last week I put up a post asking folks to respect our privacy, with hopes that somehow we could deal with our marital problems behind closed doors. Many of you have respected our wishes, and have sent only kind thoughts and positive vibes our way, however, there are still those with prying questions…mostly those who know us best. While I really do NOT want the attention, and wish to keep the focus off of our marriage and onto my deepest passion family adventures, it appears I am going to have to talk…once again for the sake of our beautiful children.
No matter your age, your income level, your work, or who you are marriage is HARD, really life is hard, but for Ryan and I marriage has been a roller coaster from day one. I know that in our family photos there is a picture painted of happily ever after, well that is until our 2011 family photo that painted the truth about how opposite we really are.
First, I would like to say, NO ONE is at fault, and we BOTH have MADE mistakes…yep I am admitting I am by no means perfect! Ryan has been a wonderful husband, a very tolerable man…really who would want to put up with me, and the BEST Daddy he could ever be and I know he will continue to be the BEST daddy ever. I wish I could paint a picture of what I have been, but I can say that I have given marriage my all for almost 9 years, and will continue to love and support Ryan as a friend and as Dillard and Celesse’s daddy.
Now to what you all are really wanting to know, I know you want me to dish the dirt and tell wild stories of why we are where we are…there are NONE to be told, as there is no need for that. Ryan and I are just very different people, we see things from completely different views, and there is an emptiness between us. We have both worked, and tried to fill that emptiness to only find that it cause more emptiness. I believe very strongly that everyday should be full of Love, Life, and great big smiles, and I do not wish to trap someone where they cannot find that fulfillment. While some believe that blame should be placed on either him or I, we both told each other the exact same thing….”I love you, but I am not in love with you.” I care very very deeply for Ryan and would lay my life on the line for him, but mostly because he gave me 2 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Some time ago, I realized that those two beautiful individuals deserved to see and feel complete happiness between their Momma and Daddy, and that was lacking in our household. I stood in the kitchen one sunny afternoon and I told Ryan I did not want my daughter to grow up in a house where Momma and Daddy just tolerated each other and faked being in love for the sake of the kids. I do not want my son to grow up and think that women are expected to be dedicated to their husband just because they have children with them, or that he must be married to a woman, because they have children together. I know these words stung like daggers to Ryan, but days later he came home and he said I agree.
While everyday is a challenge, we have decided that we are going to do this in a civil process, yes at this point we are separated, but living together. I know you all have confusion wiped all over your face and screaming yeah right. Logically speaking this is what is best for the kids, for us , and what makes sense. While there is always hope in the bottom of the barrel, we have given up on fixing our marriage and are working on being FRIENDS. Yep, you heard it right, Ryan, and I will spend the rest of our lives sharing those adorable children of ours, so we should also have a very close bond with each other.
I REFUSE to force my children to have to choose between parents, I REFUSE to let a judge or attorney decide who has the kids when and for how long, and I REFUSE for Dillard and Celesse to not have total access to both parents. Therefore, while I have heard everyone’s opinion, and Ryan has had some wonderful…or well not so wonderful advisers, this is our decision and our arrangement.
Currently I occupy the upstairs of the house, well or at least I have my bedroom to myself, and the rest of the house is community property, Ryan has his bedroom in the basement. While Ryan works a lot during the week the kids are with me, on the weekends he spends as much time as he can with them and we spend at least a few hours together as a family…shocker right, well I hope not. I still want the kids to know that they can come to both of us when there is a problem, or they have big news for us.
I know ideally down the road this arrangement will not be possible, as I know not everyone is as open-minded as I am….I have already felt the pressure, as has Ryan to end this arrangement. Please folks, understand that this arrangement is what is best for the kids, and we are praying and hoping that this arrangement will get us through the end of summer; from there we will re-evaluate our situation.
In my head, and I do hope and pray this is in Ryan’s head also; we can still do things as a family. Today Ryan was home briefly from work, I took about an hour to catch up on work, while he took the kids fishing, and then we went together to the library before he returned to work. I see NO problem with this, I know some might, but it was absolutely beautiful being able to share friendship and enjoy watching the kids interact with us. I told Ryan upon returning home that I hope we can still spend Christmas’s together as a family, I hope Thanksgiving is still a day that our kids see both parents not a day wrote into divorce papers and custody papers. I know I am probably dreaming, and some would say I am preventing future happiness, but in reality, I am only hoping for complete happiness for my children.
So once again I do ask you to respect our privacy, please keep your opinions to yourself…..unwanted advice is unneeded, and there is no need for the gossip chain. This is a great big world full of beautiful things, and everyone deserves to be happy and loved.